http://lonelylies.blogspot.com/

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Just for reference, so far
L is Travis,
R is Nick.


love you D!

Wow, I feel cheated.

I was talking to L. today about Travis (she knows him too) and it turns out she dated him a while ago too. So we pooled all the information we had collected about him together and guess what? He never mentioned me at all to her, instead he mentioned this other girl (Jenny I think) who he dated at around the same sort of time as he was with me. And I was like 'wow, ouch'.

And by the sound of it, he has dated quite a few people. Wow, and there I was, completely fooled by his innocently sweet smile, and his charming manners. Ouch, now I don't know what to think of him at all. I think I have been put totally off him.

But knowing me, I will have changed my mind by tomorrow.

xxx

Ooh, so I saw Travis after school today. And it was all going fabby, then I saw that the wallpaper on his phone was a picture of a rather pretty girl. Intrigued, I kept that in my mind. Then later when he was teasing me about Dan, I brought it up, wanting to know who I could tease him about. So I was like 'who's the girl on your phone?'
And he was like 'yeah, I like her. So you could tease me about her.'
'Is it like, something mutual?'
'Yeah, I have been dating her for a short while now.'

Ohh. Heart sank right to my feet, but I tried so hard to keep a smile on my face, and I tried so hard to carry on indifferently. I'm not sure how well that worked, but he probably picked up on it. He didn't mention anything though.

But he's just so so lovely, and I don't want him to be with some clever pretty person. I want him to be with me. Me, the one with the troubled past who is amazingly self obsessed. And part of me is saying, that all I want is him, no one else. And that I would give up anything for him.

But what makes him so good?? I have no idea. Honestly, I guess he's just like any other guy. Except when he talks, it feels like I'm the only person in the world that matters to me. And when he looks at me, anything could happen, and his touch could just carry me through.

Wow, I need to get a life.

Confession: being single has left me feeling very lonely. So I may have kissed Nick today...And do you know what's really really bad? I don't regret it.

I'm even arranging to do it again.

xxx

Umm, week 2 of school. So far so good. Everything still isn't settled yet. I mean, it's all really weird to me still.

Okay, the deal on guys:

Travis: the love of the moment.

Dan: stalker of the moment. He's like in love with me or something. And I just abuse him. I really don't fancy him or anything, but it's really fun to lead him on, then drop him. I know it's really awful of me, but sometimes I need a pick me up.

Adam: really hot guy in my physics and maths classes. Wow, he's nice to look at. Only I'm not sure if he likes me like that. I would prefer Travis, but he would do nicely for the moment. But he isn't playing along. He's messing around with another girl out of school. Gosh, why can't boy's just play fair.

xxx

First day of school!! Okay, not sure if I can actually call it a day, as it was barely a couple of hours, but oh well.



Travis took me in, on the bus, then left me at the bottom of the stairs to the common room. As I climbed the steps, I emptied my head of all thoughts, and walked. At the top, I took a quick glance of the room, then walked forward, afraid to be seen to hesitate. I made my way over to the nearest person stood on her own, and said 'hi'. There we are, one down, and all fears cast aside.

xxx

Me? Obsessed much? It's not like I check every few mins for his reply...Oh, wait...I do. And I constantly want to call him (luckily I have no more minutes left on my phone, otherwise there would be nothing stopping me) But everything about him I love.
Yeah, I need to get a life. Hopefully I will find one at school on Monday.
xxx

I'm sorry D. I don't think I'm going to be happy where you are. I'm going to move school. Make a new start, away from the memories both bad and good.

On the positive side, I got my results today, which wern't too bad:
A* in Physics, Chemistry, Art, and Electronics
A in Maths, Biology, English literature, French
B in English language, Latin

Not too bad, huh? Wish me luck next year, hopefully all A*s

xxx

It looks like my relationship with Travis has failed too. I met up with him last night, and he professed that he didn't understand me at all, and he doesn't believe I understand him either; that we don't connect on all levels, although we do connect on some levels. So he still wants to be friends. But that is so confusing. And I never knew that being dumped could make you feel so bad. I mean, I can't remember being dumped by someone who I actually fancied/liked. But Travis has been so different to all the other guys I know. He is (oddly) more content with talking rather than kissing. Which, I admit, was getting to be a bit of a problem, because I love kisses, but I didn't mind putting up with it, because when we did kiss, it was like my world exploded. I had the butterflies in my tummy and everything.

But here's the really big problem: he still wants to be friends. But I'm not sure if I want to be friends. I mean, surely it's going to be hard to see him, and have to restrain myself against hugging him. But at the same time, I love him too much to lose him. 'The ball is in [my] court' he says. But I don't know what to do for the best.

Changing subject drastically: My Dad has been offered a job in America. Which is both good and bad. It means he has a job (always a plus) and that I am getting rid of him, without losing him completely (which is good: we don't always see eye to eye) but, now I have the option of going to 6th form at my original school. Errrm, I don't really know if I want to. Because a change would be good, and I would have a new start, away from the whole Tom incident. Ooh, the indecisions. I might need to seek alot of help, because I'm shit with making decisions. But the people around me have conflicting intrests, so I'm going to recieve very mixed responses. Wish me luck.

There's no way to be good. You can't do something without hurting at least one person. So I guess you have to think very carefully about what you are about to do, before embarking on something major.

What I'm trying to say is that should you have to make a major decision, that could potentially hurt someone, or have a big impact, then you are bound to not be able to satisfy everyone's needs. So you should consider every possible plan of action, and try to impress as many people as possible.

We say things to make people think good of us, then do the exact opposite to pander to out own needs. It's the selfish life we live that is going to get us down in the end, even if it leaves such a high at the time. Ultimately, who knows what's right, and what's wrong. There is no right or wrong, it's one big ball of very tangled string.

Wow, did that make sense at all? Umm, I hope so, but I doubt it, as I have no idea what I'm trying to say. I mean, I do know vaguely what I mean, but I'm just not sure how to say it.

xxx

When we kiss, it's like the whole world waits for the two of us. The butterflies in my tummy when we touch seem to be incessant, and I love it. I never want him to leave, for when we are together, he makes me feel as if I am the most important person in the world.

What makes me deserve a man of such great callibre? I have no idea. He sees past all my flaws, my wrongdoings, to see the innocence inside. I am so lucky to have him, I never want to let him go.

xxx

Went into town today, with my Mum and sister, so my sister could get her navel pierced. Ouch...But it was nice, Mum is finally out of the house, and we put the mirrors back up around the house today. Happy times.

And I have no idea what's going on with Travis. I really can't figure him out. At all. Now he has asked if I want to stay over at his house one night. Of course, I would love to, but my Mum wont let me. Typical Mum, it was going to be so fun aswell.

Oh well, I can still see him at least, and he makes me feel so happy whenever he is around.

xxx

Mum had an operation on Monday, something to do with her bladder or kidneys. Nothing major, so she should have been in and out on the same day, but she couldn't pee afterwards, so she had to stay in overnight.

Then disaster struck. When having a shower the following morning, she fainted. Blacked out completely. When she came around, she had blood pouring from her head. Uh oh...

So now, three days later, she is home, with 23 stitches in her head, as well as the stitches form her operation. Now she can't bear to look at her reflection in the mirror, so we have to take all the mirrors down in the house, apart from the one in my bathroom.

So me and my sister take it in turns to look after her, only going out when we know that the other one is home to look after her. It's stressful, but it's necessary.

Get well soon Mum, I love you. xxx

Yesterday, I managed to meet up with Travis. We met outside the shop, then decided to go into town, where we just hung around in the rain, and talked. It was lovely to see him again, although I had no idea how to act. When he kissed me when he first saw me in the morning, I didn't meet his kiss, I just froze. But can you blame me? he didn't even tell me when he got back!!

Yeah, maybe I should let it go already...

I saw him again today. He invited me over to his house for the first time ever. And wow, his house is really nice. His room is immaculate! And so pretty too. So we just hung out in his room, talking.

xxx

Here I am , heartbroken. Okay, slight exaggeration, but still, I do feel let down. You know Travis went away to Switzerland for a week, or something, well, now he's back. Only he hasn't told me he's back. I only know that he is back, becuase I saw that he had a shift earlier this morning at the shop, and I saw his name on the register, saying that he had been there for that shift. So I don't know how long he's been back, and he hasn't text or called me to inform me of his being-back-ness. Which is pretty upsetting.

What did I do wrong this time? Or am I just being silly, and over-reacting. I really hope it's the latter, because he is a really lovely guy.

Lots of love, xxx

Thinking about this whole school-moving-catastrophe, it may not be that bad as I thought it would be. Although I still can't decide which school to go to.

The all girls academy (lets call that 'aga' for short) would be good, because I would have no distractions, but at the same time, I like mixing with boys. I'm more of a boy-friendly girl, than a girl-friendly girl. So I may have no one to talk to. Okay, out of the 80 girls that are there, I'm bound to have somone to talk to but...no boys? That's gonna be hard.

Then there's the mixed school which my Dad is so set against, purely for the reason that there are boys.

I think the mixed school will be more fun, and there, they have spaces on all of the courses I want to do, whereas at aga, I can't do biology. Plus, there are more people going to the mixed school, I think somewhere in the region of 240, so I'm more likely to find friends there. That, plus Travis goes there (but he might be a reason against me going there. I don't want to have to see him every day, incase things go bad or something). Gosh, decisions. But I have until September to figure out my options.

Lots of love, xxx

On Wednesday, my Mum and sister went to Devon, to the caravan. I went up with Mum's bf the day after, because I had a college interview on Thursday morning, which turned out to be pretty good, and now I can go to college next year =]

So we went down in the van, and I chose to bring Travis along too. Good decision. He was lovely. Everywhere we went, he held my hand, occasionally bringing it up to him mouth to kiss it. And when we were walking along, he would kiss the top of my head. He made me feel like the luckiest girl alive, he's lovely.

One night, I spent the night in the van with him. We kissed and cuddled untill about 3am, then we fell asleep on eachother. And that was so lovely, because it wasn't the sort of sleazy kiss I'm used to, it was an unhurried kiss, because we have time to get to know eachother still. Wow, he's perfect. Only thing is, he's so perfect, he's too perfect for me, and I feel I'm going to lose him. What would I do then?

Lots of love, xxx

Good news! Bad news too....Which do you wanna hear first??

Bad news, so I can end on a good note. Okay, well, yesterday, I was speaking to Tom, and I decided to end it with him. I love him still, but he wasn't coming back here, and I didn't believe that he loves me. He didn't say that he does love me, so I guess I was right. All the way through the conversation I was wishing he would say that he loves me, and that he will come back, just for me. But he didn't, so I figure I'm better off without him.

Okay, good news. And this good news is from Monday, and it still has me grinning like a loony. Okay, on Sunday, I saw Travis for a while. We went back to mine, and just talked, untill my Mum came back, and told us that it was getting late. (It was almost midnight, and I might turn into a pumpkin or something if I stay up too late. Ha ha) Then later that night, Travis IMed me to say that he forgot to give something to me, could he pop over mine in the evening for 5 mins.

Sure enough, the next day, he came over, said 'hi' to my mum and sister, and then pulled me into the kitchen. 'Close your eyes, and put out your hand' he said, and I did what was asked of me. He put his hand into mine, and kissed me.

I don't know what to say now, but I'm grinning again, because it made me so so happy. I have been waiting so so long for that, and it was soo romantic, and lovely! Awh, he's an angel. <3

Lots of love, xxx

Holiday account:


Day 1(Saturday): Got on the most boring train journey of my life. Okay, sure at first I was really excited, but after about one hour, I was bored senseless. I think the longest train journey I had been on before that was when I used to go to Bath to see Tom. And that was about 40 mins. from my house, so there were no problems there. Plus, there was the thrill of seeing the man I loved.



Anyway, I digress...When we arrived, we dragged our suitcases to the house we were staying at, and got a proper look at our tiny room with eight bunkbeds squashed into it. We quickly settled whose bed was whose, and then got down to exploring. I stuck with D. for the rest of the day, but left her with some friends in the evening, and I went back to our room to find all the guys we were staying with.



The party was well underway by the time I got back to the room, with the drinks flowing, and the air jostling with frivolities. Wasting no time at all, I started flirting, and soon I had started kissing one of the boys staying in my room. Soon, I grew bored, as it was clear he didn't want to do anything major, so I moved on to the next guy. But he was pretty boring too (still a virgin, and although he didn't care, I did. I don't want to be anyone's first!!) Then the real danger began. I started meddling with another guy in my room. And he has a girlfriend (who I know reasonably well). We kissed in the room privately in the dark, him pushing me down to suck his cock, but I rememberd his girl, and politely walked away.



Later in the evening, I found myself with him again, but this time, the room was a bit more crowded. So we went downstairs to the only free room - the toilet. Gross, I know, but desperate times call for desperate measures. And I was in desperate times after not having seen Tom for ages.Soon, we were both naked, and I was sat straddling him on the toilet, bouncing up and down on his dick.



We stayed downstairs fucking until 2.30am, when we finally returned to the room together. D. was back in the room, and everyone was in bed, so I hurriedly got changed, and climbed up to my bunk, trying to forget what I had just done. I felt guilty, but not because of Tom, but becasue of the guy's girlfriend. She's a good girl, and ever so lovely.



Day 2 (Sunday): We got up, and were in the sea by 8.30 am. Why?!? I have no idea, but it was great fun, even though it was slightly freezing! We made plans that night to go to an under 18s night, so D. and I started to get ready, and put on our make up, did our hair etc. Then some guys came over our place, and convinced us to go to the beach again. Tom and I walked all the way down arm in arm, and when we got there, because I didn't forward think to put on a bikini, I went into the sea with him in just my undies.

I ruined my make up, and I had to put on clean (dry) undies when I got back, then D. and I went out, and danced all night, giving me blisters, and making me soo sleepy! But it was great fun.


Day 3 (Monday): Shopping day. Me and D. had to go to Boots to get a couple of things (not all of which we remembered...we were convinced we forgot something, which turned out to be painkillers, but luckily we didn't need them in the end) We also bought hoodies (bright red ones, with 'NEWQUAY' written across the front, and 'LIFE GUARD' written across the back) and we enquired about getting tattoos.

Spent the evening on the golf course with the druggies, and I lost my phone on the sand. Oops...I totally panicked when I couldn't find it, and that ruined my night. On the way back, we sang loud, gaudy songs, and probably woke up the entire neibourhood.



Day 4 (Tuesday): We did't get up so early, but we did go into the sea for a bit, before returining to the room to get ready to go out at night.

We went to another under 18s night, and we got glow sticks ( yay!! ) but when I got back, I fell asleep almost straight away.


Day 5 (Wednesday): This was the night I stayed out all night, and didn't return to our place 'till 12.30 that afternoon.

After going to someone's house, we went to the golf course to see some of the guys. I ended up getting off with Tom (who I had gone into the sea with) and then we went back to his, where I stayed the night, sleeping in his arms.

Day 6 (Thursday): As I have said, I wasn't there for half of the day, becasue I was at Tom's and I didn't get back until about 12.30.

When I did get back, it was a bit of a disaster day, as one of the guys I was staying with was having a bit of a bullying crisis. All his stuff had been put into a shower, with shampoo, water and oats. Then he went and told the people in charge of the house, and they threatened to take away our deposits, unless someone owned up to it. Oh dear...

I stayed in that night, due to sheer exhaustion. Halfway through the night though, the guy who was being bullied came back, and was really miserable. So we talked through his problems, and he decided to leave immediately. Then he came back, becuase he had missed his last train. Ha ha, luck wasn't shining on him.


Day 7 (Friday): Last full day. We decided to go out for a full breakfast, and paid mostly in coins. Then when we got back, a load of guys were smoking in the room. Gross, and totally uncalled for. After they left, I decided to have a shower, that's when some meanies decided it would be a good idea to take pictures of me in the shower. That put me in a v. bad mood, and I was completely horrible to them for the rest of the day.

That night, we just stayed in the room, me reading out loud, and the two boys I was with listening, and all three of us drinking Baileys. At one point, D came in with her boy, and saw that one of us was there. She didn't see me (I was hidden in the corner, and the lights were out). But that was funny, and we ate chineese.


Day 8 (Saturday): We woke up, packed our stuff, and headed off, getting on the train for the tedious journey back. And gosh, was I glad to be home! Wow, I never knew I could miss home so so much! And it was great to be back.

Dilemma: My Dad has lost his job. Okay, he hasn't lost it yet, but he has no job come October. Normally that wouldn't affect me all that much, except I would be a little less frivolous in my spending habits, but this actually seriously affects me. My Dad pays for my school fees, and with no income for him, I don't get to go to school. Okay, I can still go to school, just not my current school. Not the school I want to go to. And at such late notice, no schools really want me. My only option so far is an all girls school, and I really don't want to go back to an all girls school.

My primary school years were completely devoid of boys (apart from those two idiots that lived down the road, who I played with when I was little, but we soon moved house, and that was the last of our friendships), so when I went to a mixed secondary, I got completely lost, and really didn't fit in. So now, just as I'm starting to get the hang of it, I have to be ripped from my comfort zone.

Plan of action? Erm...What do I do?? I spoke to D about it, and she said I should go and talk to my school, and see if they can have me with reduced fees. And I'm hoping that works. I just don't want to move, and if push comes to shove, and I do have to move, I really don't want to go to an all girls 'academy'.


Change of subject competely, on a lighter note, last night, I went out with Travis. I hadn't seen him in ages, and he randomly text me, asking if I wanted to to something that night. I said yeah, and we ended up going to the nature reserve, which was so pretty, if a little bit overgrown. But yeah, that was really nice, becuase I hadn't spent time with him in ages. So it was nice to see him again. =]

Lots of love, xxx

So I havn't posted in a while, but that's only because my life is full of such nothing. The exams have ended, and on Saturday, I went on a three day expedition (we had to carry our tents, and everything. It was crap) so now I'm absolutely cream crackered.

And my feet hurt.

And I miss Tom. I havn't seen him since the 11th, or whenever he last came down. Actually, he came down on the 21st, but I wasn't here. I was on the bloody expedition, almost killing myself with exhaustion. Gosh, thank God that's over.

I need hugs. And lots of them. Just hugs. The two of us lying side by side, on the warm grass, my head on your chest, as you stroke my hair.

I'm lonely.

xxx

Okay, so where to start?? Okay, so I went to see Tom today. 11/06/09. I met him at the station, then we went into town, got chips, then went back to his hotel. On the way to his hotel we stopped for coffee and talked. Then we checked in, and went up to the clean, white room.

He hugged me, and kissed me softly on the lips. I love that feeling. Just the feeling of a guilty kiss, a fobidden kiss. Thinking of the way he pulled me into him makes me feel so lonely now that I have left him. And I can't wait to see him again tomorrow.

We kissed, and he started to undo the buttons of my shirt. I did the same to him, and soon we were topless. I took off his trousers, and he did the same to me. Just in my underwear, he pushed me onto the clean bedsheets, and followed me down. Lying next to me, he kissed me again with his soft lips, and traced his finger up the inside of my thigh, and pulled aside my panties. I gasped with pleasure as he rubbed my clit, and pulled me so close to climax. Then he undid my bra, and took off his pants, before taking off mine. I clambered on top of him, and, well...we carried on and on for about 4 hours.

And now I am home, I feel really lonely. Because he's so sweet to me. He says the nicest things, and pays me lots of attention, even though I am mad and repeat myself alot. I love him, and I can't wait to see him again tomorrow.

Lots of love, xxx

The Travis story.

I think he was the guy who was working when I picked up an application form for Spar, but I'm not sure. I remember that the guy was kinda cute in a quirky way. Just like Travis. The first time I spoke to him was at the start of my thrid shift, as he was just finishing his morning shift. I mentioned I also worked in the charity shop down the road on Saturdays, and the next week, he came to the charity shop, especially to talk to me. First we talked about the books that were there, then the pretty items under the counter, then, as I thought he was going to leave, he said,

'Do you fancy going for a coffee sometime?'

I went bright red, smiled, and almost screamed 'YES!' So I gave him my email, because of the lack of phone, and we taked on MSN.

Ooh, panic at the end of the first conversation: How many kisses do I put at the end? Argh, I couldn't decide in time, so I just put one, fearing leaving without putting any.

So the following Thursday, we went for coffee, and I was sooo nervous before hand. I had to get a couple of friends to agree to come and check on us!! But it was actually okay. But no kiss at the end. And I got grounded, becasue I was home late.

The next time I saw him, we went into town, and just sat on College Green together, and talked. And at one point, we had a tickle war, and I thought he was going to kiss me, but nope. Still no kiss. So we got the bus home together, and no kiss when he got off at his stop.

Next 'date' was a picnic. Well, sort of. I brought food, but we hardly ate it. Then we lay on the grass together, side by side. And talked the afternoon away.

The last time I saw him, we went to the field, and just sat, and talked. And messed around a bit, watching little kids play football.

We are definately getting more and more comfortable around eachother, but I'm just wondering where that kiss is. Whether it is ever going to come or not? Or why else would he have asked me out in the first place? Maybe I'm too immature for him. Maybe I talk too much. Or too little. Or maybe I'm just too short. Because when we walk together, my head just reaches his shoulder. Oh dear...

Dreams pass into the reality of action. From the actions stems the dream again; and this interdependence produces the highest form of living - Anais Nin



At last the worst week of exams is over, and I can breathe again. Only seven more to go. Oh, and I never have to write an english essay again in my life! Gosh, isn't that the greatest joy in life!?

Well, it feels like a while since I wrote last, but it has only been like, 3 days...I guess it's because nothing much has happened in those three days. I have 6 exams this week, and with 4 down, there is just 2 to go.

Excited about:

• Never having to do maths again. Well, I know I will have to do some at some point...but I don't have to do it in the lesson-sense. I never have to do a maths test.
• Seeing Tom. A week and one day!!
• Getting my phone back. Just 16 more days...come on phone!! I can't wait..then I can go out more, again!!

Dreading:

• Tomorrows exams...Espesh. chemistry. And gosh, I'm doing chemistry next year too!!
• The weekend. Becasue I know I have to revise, but I'm going to be soo distracted!

Lots of love, xxx

Panic! The next week contains 6 exams...And that's almost half of them. I only have 13 left. But seriosuly, the next ones are pretty important. Like, first thing tomorrow, I have maths, then in the afternoon, I have latin verse (which is impossible to learn, and I barely know half of it, so I'm terrified of that) Then Tuesday morning, I have an english exam. On Wednesday, I have a french writing exam (I got predicted C for french, so I'm kinda panicky about that, but that's in the afternoon, so I can revise for that all day) Then on Thursday, I have a chemistry exam, and another english paper. So I can wait for tomorrow.

On the other hand, I have arranged to see Tom on the 11th June. And I am so excited =]. Only, it makes me so nervous, because I'm never sure of how to act, because he's been away so long, and I havn't spoken to him in person. And also, because of the dodgy background, I don't know what to say, and what if I say something wrong??

Oh, he's so sweet, and he really seems like he cares, because today, I was studying, and then I went on msn. I started talking to him, and he told me to study, so I get good results. He said it would make him very happy if I got very good results, and he would treat me if I got all As. Oh, and my Mum said if I get all As then I can move out into a smaller flat, on my own. So that's the aim. It's whether I can get that, because that's alot to ask.

Lots of love xxx

I had arranged to meet Travis today. We set the time to meet as 0930, and I thought that would be fine, I would wake up in time for that! But little did I know...So I woke up at 0723, and thought 'oh, I'll just sleep a little longer, that will be fine' ...Bad idea...Next thing I know, its 0930, and I'm still in bed, so I jump up, pull on the nearest clothes, and run to meet him! Luckily I was only 15 mins late, so he was still there. And we had the sweetest day. Well, the sweetest half-day.

Dreaming about:

• The end of exams, no more stress! I can't wait!
• Food..I'm feeling hungry...So off I go to get some food!! Yumm...

xxx Lots of love

So I was going to post a while ago, but then my dad came in and had a fat go at me telling me that I should be 'revising, not playing on the computer'. So I had to go and do some study. Which as it happens, I didn't do; I went straight to bed, after a nice shower.

Just finished cyber sex with Tom. Who I know is using me. But he says he loves me, and I want to believe that, so I stick with him, and hope that he will come back home.

Feeling:

• happy-I have chololate, and am on a post orgasmic high.
• lonely-I havn't seen Tom since the 15th or whenever it was. He's gone back to the midlands or wherever he once came from. Ha ha, he has a nice funny accent.
• kind of upset-not sure why...but I know it's not pmt. =]

Enjoying:

• Half term. Even though I'm on study leave...so it's like one big holiday anyway...half term is still fun.
• Only having 13 exams left...
• Being in a nice warm bed.

Lots of love, xxx

Day 2 since starting the blog again. And already, I am tempted to put some sordid details on here. But I mustn't for fear of getting someone in trouble. Well, maybe by post 4, I might. But untill then, I'm innocent.

Lonely because:

• I have no idea what Tom is doing. Still have no clue about what he feels about me, or anything. I just know I love him. I think.
• I can't talk to anyone about Tom, because no one knows him, except me. Oh, and D.
• I'm feeling sleepy, and a box of chocolates is my only company. Oh, actually, I might go downstaris and get a nice cup of tea. Oh dear, that reminds me of Tom. When I went over his house once, he offered me a cup of tea, and I burnt my tongue.

Looking forward to:

• Picnic tomorrow with Travis. Even though it may rain.
• Eurovision tonight. All the funny songs, great fun. I only wish I had arranged a load of people over mine to watch it. With popcorn!
• Sleeping. I have been up since 0600 today, because of work, and I havn't had a nap. So I shall have one now.

Lots of love, xxx

Okay, so I'm starting again. The old post's were getting a bit rude, and with too much detail. Which could get people into trouble. Which would make me feel even more guilty than I do already.

Stressing about:

• Maths GCSE on Monday...
• Tom-I'm completely not sure about anything with him. He's completely different to any of the other guys I have had, and I just don't really understand his needs. I mean, seeing him yesterday at his hotel was great. But then today, he seemed completely different. I mean, he did say he had a headache, but still. He behaved as if he didn't even want to know me. And now I feel almost worthless. I don't even want to talk to people. Well, maybe Travis..but he just went offline, and I don't have my phone, so I can't ring him, and get him to meet up with me. I feel so lonely.
  

Happy about:

• One exam down, only another million to go!
• Being alive. I guess that's one thing I should always be happy about. As long as I am alive.
  

Anyway, Lots of love. xxx